Dr. Julianne Hanson

Psychologist - Chaplain - Intuitive

Ask Dr. Julianne

Posted by admin - January 9th, 2012

Aloha Dear Ones,

I’ve just discovered many wonderful comments in the WordPress spam folder!  Will begin responding to them tomorrow–I’m grateful to each soul who resonated with the deeper message in my blog, and who reached out from around the world to connect with me, and with each other.

A friend has been talking with me about his recent breakup with a girlfriend whom he adored. One of the areas of relationship I promised to write about is when to let go, and how to consciously uncouple. There are some people in the world who fall in love with their first date and stay with that person until one of them transitions to the next life (yes, there really are:). For most of us, there has been a parting of the ways with someone for whom we cared.

Whether or not we initiated the parting, breaking up is indeed hard to do. There is a debate  about which scenario results in a greater emotional burden, having your own heart broken, or breaking the heart of another. If we are the one being left, and it comes to us as a surprise that our lover no longer wants us, it’s difficult to understand the price they may be paying for their decision.  If our lover goes directly into the arms of someone else, believing that their heart is impacted by what happened between us is even harder.

Yet, everything each of us does, counts. Everything each us of does impacts all of us. We can’t fully understand the process of another along the twists and turns of their path. We can, and must, for our own heart, for the heart of the world, take responsibility for our own choices.

Everything happens between people, even when one person is obviously behaving badly. Let me be clear, I’m not excusing abuse of any kind. I’m asking all of us to become more awake in our relationships, to be more conscious of what is really happening.  Whether only one person feels the need to move on, or both people are unhappy and agree to part, we all must develop a greater capacity to see the truth of our relationship.

Go on a short journey of discovery with me. Think of your last breakup. Some will need to reach back to a time long past, and some are in the middle of a painful breakup right now. Just give yourself permission to tell the truth, and ask the Holy Spirit, the Power of Love, for guidance to see clearly.

Imagine the beginning of your relationship. Were there significant differences on things important to you? Did you and your new boyfriend/girlfriend disagree on spirituality, altruism, politics, sexuality, children, importance of career, how to handle money, how to have fun, or the value of marriage? When you met their family, did you feel welcomed? Did you feel a resonance with their friends? When you observed your new love in the world, were you comfortable with the way they treated others? Can you say that you respected and admired them? Did you feel respected, admired, and valued by them?

I’m not asking if you found the other person to be perfect, or a perfect match, in any of these areas–that kind of perfection probably does not exist in form. I’m asking if, in any of these ways, or in a way important to you, there was an inner awareness of not being, “met,” of a lack of mutuality that registered as a kind of warning, either as a physical discomfort, or a mental, “red flag.”

Next, ask yourself, “What did I believe was going to happen with those red flags?” Did you imagine that love would overcome them? Did you believe your lover would change, well, enough, for love to overcome all obstacles? Did you imagine you could change yourself enough to make it work? Did it?

When we are very young, we tend to opt for an experience, for an adventure in love, versus choosing a truly compatible partner with whom to begin a relationship. The time comes, for most of us, when we want the real thing. If we are actually ready for the real thing, or, actually want to be ready (we’ve got to ask ourselves this question, we can’t take the answer for granted), then, we need to take more responsibility for choosing a lover/mate whose values align with ours.

We need to take more responsibility for paying deep attention to the quality of our connection, and for being honest with ourselves and our partner. We need to be courageous in bringing up both our hopes and concerns. We need to be willing to see where our expectations were ours alone, and not based on any evidence provided by our partner. We need to get clear about the chances of any of our core needs being met. Getting clear is not about finding fault with the other, even if their actions have been egregious, by any sane person’s standards. Getting clear is telling ourselves the truth about whether this person and us are enough of a fit to move forward together, and then taking responsibility for acting on that truth.

Sometimes, what does feel good has kept us in a situation where lots of other things don’t feel good. The day comes when the things that don’t feel good, feel bad enough to make the good part not worth it anymore. At this point, a couple with some commitment can choose to seek help from a counselor, or trusted clergy (if the spiritual dimension of your life is important to you, please consider looking for a transpersonal or integral psychologist/ psychotherapist). If there isn’t a real commitment, one person usually leaves.

If we are the one left, we can feel rejected, devalued, betrayed, even unlovable. Our human tendency is to see ourselves as the victim. It’s difficult to see the gift in our situation, as we sit alone, with a heart full of misery. Yet, it’s also difficult to argue with the truth–if our relationship is over, it needs to be over. If being together wasn’t working for our partner, it’s much better to know it sooner rather than later. If we are honest with ourselves, we admit the ways the relationship wasn’t working for us, either.

When we have extended our heart and shared ourselves, grieving over the loss of that closeness, that human contact, is only natural. How many times have we grieved over losing a relationship that, if we tell ourselves the truth, never really had a chance? Or that seemed so right, but went so wrong? We all long for love, to give love, to be loved. It’s all too easy to deny the reality of a relationship growing distant, to pretend not to see, not to feel the hurt.

If we want the real thing, we’ve got to wake up. We can’t sleepwalk through our relationship disconnects. We need to take responsibility for addressing these disconnects directly, when we experience them. We need to get conscious help. If our partner won’t participate, we need to let go. If they’ve already gone, we need to trust that as we become more aware of what really matters to us, and show up that way in the world, we will attract someone who shares our values, and who passionately wants to be with us.

There is much advice available on letting go of a relationship and moving forward. One of the best resources I’ve found is from a woman who wrote a bestseller about finding your soulmate. Katherine Woodward Thomas, author of, “Calling In The One,” is now offering a digital series called, “Conscious Uncoupling,” http://evolvingwisdom.com/consciousuncoupling/enroll. You can download a free seminar introducing the series at http://evolvingwisdom.com/consciousuncoupling/download. I know, some irony here–but hey, you don’t want to hear from someone who only focuses on on things not working out, do you? Katherine has learned much from her years of researching what brings couples together, and now is sharing about a more conscious approach to letting go. Check out her course and let me know what you think.

Love and blessings,

Dr. Julianne

 

 

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Ask Dr. Julianne

Posted by admin - December 21st, 2011

Aloha Everyone,

I want to begin tonight by telling all of you how much I appreciate you.  Each person who opens their mind and heart to creating more happy, loving relationships is an inspiration to me, and a blessing to humanity.

Today I met with a new client.  His courage, and his willingness to embrace change, to explore possibilities for  authentic relationship, just blows me away.  I have a certain expectation of those who have been studying conscious connection, that they will at least try to improve the quality of their friendships and intimate relationships.  But when someone whose life has been focused on business/corporate realms shows up with brilliant openness to interpersonal transformation, I am truly amazed and grateful.

Let’s talk about the question from a local couple asking for suggestions on how to use some of the Christmas spirit to strengthen their marriage.  O.K., the wife asked the question, but she did say that if she’s smart about picking a time (not when the husband is hungry, or watching the big game), her guy is actually interested in doing things that bring them closer emotionally and physically.  It doesn’t hurt to remind the man that one often leads to the other.

I heard a wonderful suggestion for deepening and enlivening the relationship between couples who have been together for awhile from Patricia Albere, who founded EvolutionaryCollective.com.  (Patricia is offering a 5-week on-line course on Evolutionary Relationship the beginning of January, for a very reasonable cost.  She is a pioneer on the cutting edge of evolving mutuality in relationships.  I strongly recommend going to EvolutionaryCollective.com and checking out this opportunity.)

The suggestion for couples seeking more genuine mutuality in their partnership, is to each write down a list of what they are passionate about, and what they would like to have more of in their lives.  Then they both share their lists.  Together, they make a new list, ranking all their passions in order of how important each one is for the happiness of their marriage.

Keep in mind that a healthy marriage has a wide range of needs, from spiritual depth and alignment of life purpose, to emotional connection and sexual satisfaction, to just plain, G-rated fun.  Really, make sure having fun makes it into the top five.

When the couple has their list ranking passions most important to their marriage, they carefully look at each one, exploring it’s role in their relationship.  Where is the passion working to bring them closer?  Where is it creating uncomfortable distance?  Be honest with your mate.  The fastest, most effective way to change is to accept the truth about how things are now.

Explore how each passion might be enjoyed in a way that is most rewarding for both partners.  Just throw out ideas, don’t worry about getting it right.  See yourselves on an adventure of discovery, with the good and noble purpose of more ease, understanding and pleasure between you. Ask who is more able to change/enhance how each passion is enjoyed/experienced.  Agree to be teachers/coaches for each other, “I’ll show you how to have a better time with this, if you’ll help me appreciate that.”

Again, explore with the spirit of adventure.  This isn’t about duty, about obeying external rules and meeting standard expectations.  This is about the two of you, those two people who met and liked each other a whole lot, that couple who had such a good time together, they decided to hook-up every day.

The heart can open at Christmas in a very tender way.  We celebrate the birth of Divine Love in human form.  Surely the new possibility of conscious love that Christ embodied can help couples become more conscious about sharing the passions that bring their love alive.

Love and blessings,

Dr. Julianne

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Ask Dr. Julianne

Posted by admin - December 19th, 2011

Aloha from Maui, Hawaii!

Happy week before Christmas, Dear Ones.
This can be an intense time of year–intensely sweet, intensely meaningful, and, for some of us, intensely challenging. Memories, desires, expectations, those we have lost, those we hope to meet–all mixed up with our deepest religious beliefs, traditions, and spiritual
questions yet unanswered.
I’ve decided to post every day for the rest of 2011, to hold hands and hearts with you through the new year. I’ll try to answer questions on any topic you would like to bring up, or maybe just share my point of view with you–about relationships, or anything impacting how you
show up in the world, or how you would like to show up in the world. I’ll write about my favorite topics, happy relationships and evolutionary spirituality. The intersection of these, evolutionary relationship, has become a great passion of mine over the past two years. Intrigued? Good. It’s such exciting stuff, can’t wait to explore it with you!
Tonight (I usually write at night–my eyes may be open wider in the morning, but my perspective is wider at the close of the day), I’d like to respond to some questions on relationship I’ve gotten from Maui locals. People on Maui are the same as people everywhere, mellower, maybe, on good days, but our issues, our dreams, are the same.
In my last post, I asked singles looking for love to be open to meeting each other in different ways, and encouraged those who have been disdainful and/or fearful of online dating to give it a try.  Once you’ve met someone interesting through a dating site, what comes next?
A lovely woman told me she is involved in an online romance, and seriously wondering if the man with whom she is emailing on a dating site could be, “the one.”  This man lives on the other side of world from her, she has only seen still photos of him, but his written messages, and his voice on the phone, have created a strong feeling of resonance. Her social life is focused around the notes and calls she shares with her online admirer. She asked for my feedback, almost daring me to give a reality check in the face of her exuberance.
I’m a romantic. I believe exotic things do occur and can indeed succeed. Here’s the thing–we don’t know until we know. We can’t, can we? If the guy lived down the block, I might be saying, “open your mind and heart to the qualities that are important to you–if this guy seems to have them, even if he isn’t the type you’re usually attracted to, go ahead and meet him for coffee. Just spend an hour having fun getting to know a new person, without any expectations, and see what happens. You might be surprised.” The only risk would be an hour of the woman’s time.
When your on-line interest lives thousands of miles away, the risks are much greater. If you truly want the real thing, versus an intriguing fantasy, then you need to take steps to make your understanding of who the other person is as real as possible, as soon as possible. Skype, for goodness sakes, get a real look at them.
I had a tender, steamy, writing and phone relationship with a man I met online. He seemed wonderful. He kept putting off getting a Skype account, finding reason after reason (it’s free, after all, how hard could it be?). I got a sinking feeling–and sure enough, when I persisted, he stopped communicating. Two disappointing weeks later, he emailed saying he no longer looked like his photos, and felt too badly about himself to risk letting me see him. This was a man with the seeming confidence of John Wayne in our prior interactions. He said he was going to put online dating on hold and work on himself. I wished him well, and wondered if he really would stop messaging women on the dating site until he felt good about revealing himself, or if he would just find another woman with whom to create an illusion.
Enjoy an online flirtation–but don’t think you know until you know. Do Verify ID, Skype, trust your intuition about any red flags.  But most importantly, keep your dance card open. Keep flirting. Go on dates. Until you are actually in a formally committed relationship, don’t live like you are. There is a spectacularly grand thing about being single–we get to kiss new people.:)
So–we’re back to my respectfully daring & encouraging you to flirt–go get some Christmas mistletoe action. It’s really an O.K. thing for good, spiritual people to do.
My next post will answer a question about couples connecting during the holidays.
Love & blessings,
Dr. Julianne

 

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Ask Dr. Julianne

Posted by admin - November 13th, 2011

Aloha Everyone,

This week has been full of questions about looking for love, keeping love, knowing when love has gone, saying goodbye to a love and preparing to love again.

I’m tempted to write two separate posts, one for women and one for men. There is much advice available that addresses one sex or the other–at some point, I will go there for a couple weeks–but not this time. There are some basic truths I’m learning about intimate relationships that I’d like to share with you all.

For singles looking:

Try to get clear on what kind of relationship you want–for some of us, this is not as easy as it might seem. Write two columns, “Want,” and, “Don’t Want.” Tell the truth. Read them. Notice your visceral response to everything you’re reading. Is it accurate & current, or based on some past experience? You may need to update, or add a “Maybe,” column.

Once you’ve got some clarity, do something about it. Let go of all preconceived ideas about right or wrong ways to meet someone. If you have an issue with online dating, all that means is that you’re probably older than you’d like to admit. Get over it, already–it’s what almost everybody under 40 does, what everybody under 30 does, and a 20 year-old doesn’t even understand the question. However it used to be, where has it gotten you up to now?

Give yourself permission to flirt with everybody. I’m not suggesting you be salacious, or inappropriate in any way, just fully alive and willing to share your enjoyment of life with those around you.

Take this test–the next time you see someone attractive to you, what is your automatic response? Do you make eye contact and smile, or do you look away? If you’re looking away, stop that! Gaze into their eyes & smile–what could it hurt? If the person is psychologically healthy & open to love, they will receive your attention as a compliment.

Practice flirting with anyone in your category of interest. Build your ability to talk about your appreciation of life, and the small things you notice about someone that please you. Communicate this way when you’re out in the world. When you meet a potential lover whose charms stun you, you’ll be much less likely to run. You’ll be more likely to do what you do everyday.

For women (O.K., I can’t help it), this initially needs to lean towards sustained eye contact (five whole seconds, I mean it) and smiling. If the man appears terrified, thank God you’re getting the scoop up front. More likely, he’ll be intrigued and approach you.

For men, you need to gaze into a woman’s eyes, smile and speak. Yes, for our sake, for your sake, say something. A simple, “You look good today,” is a gift to any sane female (I know there are women with issues–just duck & move on).

Let yourself explore these ways of connecting. Regard it as a fun experiment, no pressure, just a juicy adventure. When we allow ourselves to be playful with each other, much anxiety falls away. Our willingness to enjoy life can be our most compelling quality.

I’ll stop here for now. Go out and flirt. I respectfully dare and encourage you.

Love and blessings,

Dr. Julianne

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Happy to be Writing Again

Posted by admin - November 1st, 2011

Aloha Dear Ones,

This has been a fascinating, challenging, deeply & unexpectedly transformative year. I’m very happy to let my friends know that I have begun writing again.

My plan is to post at least weekly. So much evolutionary love is coming forward, posts may need to be more frequent. We will see what Spirit wants.

I’m also available to new clients now, either in person (house/hotel calls) on Maui, or by phone/Skype globally.

I would love to hear from you. If you have a question you would like a spiritual shrink to answer, consider the column I proposed last year,    ”Ask Dr. Julianne,” open for business. Please write your question in the comment section & I’ll answer as soon as I can.

If you would like to talk with me in a counseling session, please leave me a voicemail at 1-808-283-8431 and we can schedule a time. You might visit the, “Session Request,” page on my site and complete the questionnaire to get us started.

I’m so happy and grateful to be connecting with you all again–I look eagerly forward to many high & deep insights and inspirations in the sacred space between us.

Love and blessings, Julianne

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