Ask Dr. Julianne
Aloha from Maui, Hawaii!
Happy week before Christmas, Dear Ones.
This can be an intense time of year–intensely sweet, intensely meaningful, and, for some of us, intensely challenging. Memories, desires, expectations, those we have lost, those we hope to meet–all mixed up with our deepest religious beliefs, traditions, and spiritual
questions yet unanswered.
I’ve decided to post every day for the rest of 2011, to hold hands and hearts with you through the new year. I’ll try to answer questions on any topic you would like to bring up, or maybe just share my point of view with you–about relationships, or anything impacting how you
show up in the world, or how you would like to show up in the world. I’ll write about my favorite topics, happy relationships and evolutionary spirituality. The intersection of these, evolutionary relationship, has become a great passion of mine over the past two years. Intrigued? Good. It’s such exciting stuff, can’t wait to explore it with you!
Tonight (I usually write at night–my eyes may be open wider in the morning, but my perspective is wider at the close of the day), I’d like to respond to some questions on relationship I’ve gotten from Maui locals. People on Maui are the same as people everywhere, mellower, maybe, on good days, but our issues, our dreams, are the same.
In my last post, I asked singles looking for love to be open to meeting each other in different ways, and encouraged those who have been disdainful and/or fearful of online dating to give it a try. Â Once you’ve met someone interesting through a dating site, what comes next?
A lovely woman told me she is involved in an online romance, and seriously wondering if the man with whom she is emailing on a dating site could be, “the one.” Â This man lives on the other side of world from her, she has only seen still photos of him, but his written messages, and his voice on the phone, have created a strong feeling of resonance. Her social life is focused around the notes and calls she shares with her online admirer. She asked for my feedback, almost daring me to give a reality check in the face of her exuberance.
I’m a romantic. I believe exotic things do occur and can indeed succeed. Here’s the thing–we don’t know until we know. We can’t, can we? If the guy lived down the block, I might be saying, “open your mind and heart to the qualities that are important to you–if this guy seems to have them, even if he isn’t the type you’re usually attracted to, go ahead and meet him for coffee. Just spend an hour having fun getting to know a new person, without any expectations, and see what happens. You might be surprised.” The only risk would be an hour of the woman’s time.
When your on-line interest lives thousands of miles away, the risks are much greater. If you truly want the real thing, versus an intriguing fantasy, then you need to take steps to make your understanding of who the other person is as real as possible, as soon as possible. Skype, for goodness sakes, get a real look at them.
I had a tender, steamy, writing and phone relationship with a man I met online. He seemed wonderful. He kept putting off getting a Skype account, finding reason after reason (it’s free, after all, how hard could it be?). I got a sinking feeling–and sure enough, when I persisted, he stopped communicating. Two disappointing weeks later, he emailed saying he no longer looked like his photos, and felt too badly about himself to risk letting me see him. This was a man with the seeming confidence of John Wayne in our prior interactions. He said he was going to put online dating on hold and work on himself. I wished him well, and wondered if he really would stop messaging women on the dating site until he felt good about revealing himself, or if he would just find another woman with whom to create an illusion.
Enjoy an online flirtation–but don’t think you know until you know. Do Verify ID, Skype, trust your intuition about any red flags. Â But most importantly, keep your dance card open. Keep flirting. Go on dates. Until you are actually in a formally committed relationship, don’t live like you are. There is a spectacularly grand thing about being single–we get to kiss new people.:)
So–we’re back to my respectfully daring & encouraging you to flirt–go get some Christmas mistletoe action. It’s really an O.K. thing for good, spiritual people to do.
My next post will answer a question about couples connecting during the holidays.
Love & blessings,
Dr. Julianne
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